Jeremy
April 7th, 2007, 08:13 PM
Behold the tale of a creature so unimaginable, so diabolical, I fear for my very life in just mentioning its name: The Osterhase! A white furry beast from your nightmares, red glowing eyes, razor-like teeth protruding beneath chubby little cheeks, and ears that will whip whelps into your back as you are running away. Legs that will pounce on you like a cheetah, making sure you don't get very far. And just to distract you from its true lethal nature: a cotton tail.
A cotton tail! My God, it is cruelty incarnate!
Some say the legend began with the disappearance of small children in the Pennsylvania Dutch area of the United States in the 18th century. These disappearances coincided with sightings of a strange white-haired bunny, carrying multi-colored eggs in a basket. Some parents tried to downplay the coincidence of events, telling the children that an egg-laying bunny would leave them gifts of colored eggs in their caps and bonnets if they'd been good. They tried to portray the "Osterhase" as a silly rabbit, playing tricks for kids.
They were all of them deceived.
The Osterhase is as deceptive and cunning as it is deadly. The truth of the Osterhase is not one to be taken lightly. Charming bedtime stories told to children are lies! Yes the bunny will bring you colored eggs, eggs colored in blood!
The real tale of the Osterhase dates back at least to the 5th century and the Arthurian search for the Holy Grail. People went missing there too. Knights even. Armored knights even! One such encounter with the evil creature is documented in an ancient text from the period. Only read this tale if you can stomach sheer unholy carnage:
Tim: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
...
Tim: There he is!
Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim: It is the rabbit.
Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Robin: You mangy Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Robin: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Tim: Look!
[squeak]
Bors: Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]
[clunk]
Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Tim: I warned you!
Robin: I done it again!
Tim: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
[s (http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/4766/film/hg/hgscript.htm)]
Beware of the Osterhase. He comes for you tonight!
A cotton tail! My God, it is cruelty incarnate!
Some say the legend began with the disappearance of small children in the Pennsylvania Dutch area of the United States in the 18th century. These disappearances coincided with sightings of a strange white-haired bunny, carrying multi-colored eggs in a basket. Some parents tried to downplay the coincidence of events, telling the children that an egg-laying bunny would leave them gifts of colored eggs in their caps and bonnets if they'd been good. They tried to portray the "Osterhase" as a silly rabbit, playing tricks for kids.
They were all of them deceived.
The Osterhase is as deceptive and cunning as it is deadly. The truth of the Osterhase is not one to be taken lightly. Charming bedtime stories told to children are lies! Yes the bunny will bring you colored eggs, eggs colored in blood!
The real tale of the Osterhase dates back at least to the 5th century and the Arthurian search for the Holy Grail. People went missing there too. Knights even. Armored knights even! One such encounter with the evil creature is documented in an ancient text from the period. Only read this tale if you can stomach sheer unholy carnage:
Tim: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
...
Tim: There he is!
Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
Arthur: What, behind the rabbit?
Tim: It is the rabbit.
Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Robin: You mangy Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Robin: What's he do, nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
Tim: Look!
[squeak]
Bors: Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]
[clunk]
Arthur: Jesus Christ!
Tim: I warned you!
Robin: I done it again!
Tim: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
[s (http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/4766/film/hg/hgscript.htm)]
Beware of the Osterhase. He comes for you tonight!